


No Regrets

by linatrinch



Series: Stormpilot Tumblr Prompts [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: FINN IS DEAD, I am dead, M/M, WE ARE ALL DEAD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 18:55:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6126760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linatrinch/pseuds/linatrinch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anon asked, "would you be willing to write that otp death fic where person b (finn) dies without knowing that person a loves them?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely based off of bits in a Stormpilot fic called "The Plan" (go read it, it's awesome).

Everyone gave Poe a wide berth now. At first, it was out of respect and pity. Now it was fear. He wasn’t at all the man he used to be, though he had tried at first to be that again. It was all in vain, though. So he adapted, he changed. It was easier to be different than it was to be what he had been.

Maybe it was just a phase, he would think sometimes when he screamed a bit too harshly at his pilots for small mistakes. Maybe it would pass in time, he hoped as he fell asleep every night half drunk. It had just been a few weeks. Time would tell, but he doubted there was any going back now. Unless the Force could raise the dead. Ghosts didn’t count. He had plenty of those in his mind. Plenty of memories. Plenty of regrets. No, this would probably never change.

No one spoke or made eye contact with him as Poe stalked down the hallway, and he didn’t acknowledge anyone either. People he once called friends, people in his own squadron, people who had tried to comfort him at first. He didn’t regret losing any of _them_. _They_ didn’t matter. _They_ didn’t save him, just like _he_ hadn’t.

He stopped in front of the door, input the code, and walked in as soon as it opened. “You wanted to see me, General?” He stopped in the room, standing at attention, looking at nothing but her. He blamed Leia, too.

She didn’t bother offering any smiles or worried frowns. She had tried for days and all it managed was to piss him off on several occasions. It was a wonder she hadn’t grounded him yet, but he knew it was only because of the lull between missions. If she needed someone in the air, it wouldn’t be him. Either way, the General nodded to him. “Actually, Commander, I wanted you to speak to someone for a bit,” she said with hardly a glance to the person sitting in a chair in front of her desk, walking around Poe. “I’ll be outside. It’ll be locked for thirty minutes, so don’t try running again.”

He frowned, snarled, as the door shut behind him with a loud _click_. Poe closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “How’d you get here?”

“Good to see you, too,” Kes Dameron, his father, sighed from his seat. “Leia contacted me, worried about you. I was wondering why I hadn’t heard from you in so long.”

“Did she tell you?”

There was a silent beat before Kes nodded. “Yeah… I’m sorry, kid.”

Poe grit his teeth, lips twitching. “I’m not a fucking kid.”

“You’re my kid.”

Finally, he looked at his father in a rage but said nothing. He just stared, knowing anything he said would be too hurtful to take back later or used against him right now. 

Kes just frowned back sadly. “You haven’t talked to anyone, have you?”

“I don’t need to _talk_.”

“Oh, so that’s beneath you now?”

“ _No-_ ”

“When we lost Shara-”

“Mom was different.”

Kes shut his mouth at that one, letting out another sad, tired sigh. “Maybe for you, Poe. I know what you’re-”

“You have no _idea_  what I’m going through!” And that was one of those things he shouldn’t say.

His father, blinking up at him in slight shock, seemed to think the same. “Excuse me?”

But it poured out of him anyway. “You had mom for almost ten years! What did I have!?” Like ten years was a long time. Like ten years was long enough.

Somehow, Kes didn’t look offended when he stood. “I know you didn’t have long with him-”

“I didn’t get _anything_  with him! Nothing happened! We were never together! Nothing!”

“Poe,” Kes raised his hand, brow furrowing in concern, “It’s okay. You told me about him constantly. I know he had to have felt-”

“I know he did!” he finally said, “ _He told me!_ ”

Kes was visibly shocked. Poe was shocked at himself, too, from the fact that he finally admitted the moment that had been replaying word for word in his mind since he first saw Finn’s body. “He told me, and I shot him down, okay!?” He could still feel the texture of Finn’s shirt beneath his hands where he squeezed so tight when someone threatened to move him. He was screaming it, then. Screaming how he felt, letting it echo off of the trees. He wasn’t in this room with his father anymore. He was in the gym, late at night, laughing with Finn after a sparring match. “He told me that he thought he loved me, and I was too fucking stupid and scared! I told him I didn’t feel that way! I told him some bullshit lie! I thought we’d have tomorrow! I thought we’d have next year! I thought after this stupid fucking goddamn war-!”

He was brought back when Kes’ hands gripped his arms, realizing he had started crying for the first time since he last saw Finn. “Poe. Hey, hey.”

“I was too fucking scared! I was so scared, papa!” He hadn’t called him that since he was a boy, but he was shaking too hard to think right now. “I’m so stupid! I’m so fucking stupid! I loved him! I love him so much!” He could still see Finn glance to the floor in disappointment, in sadness, in heartbreak, before forcing himself to laugh it off.

He was pressed against his father’s chest now, his legs buckling but still being held up, feeling a hand run through his hair. “He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve this.” Poe pressed his face into his father’s chest, remembering how good Finn had been. How selfless and smart and brave and strong and so full of love and hope and happiness and dreams.

When his legs failed again, Kes lowered them both to the floor. He felt arms holding him tight while Poe cried, not having felt pain like this since his mother died.


End file.
